A non metallic element, having amorphous and crystaline forms, occuring in minerals and rocks. This is a prime example of the sheer unadulterated verbal contamination of dadspeak and belongs to the dadspeak family of vowel elongation.

I am just going to seal the crack on this septic tank with some sillycoon now James is here

Short whiskers extending from the hairline to below the ears and worn with an unbearded chin. Confusion can be ameliorated by the consideration that carrying two pieces of furniture on the sides of ones face is not generally practical, unless of course crockery is required for immediate storage.

(to mirror) - Hello beautiful, you have a beautiful set of sideboards, mwah!

A dark figure or image cast on the ground or some surface by a body intercepting light. This verbal interpretation originates from an episode of Only Fools and Horses where "The Shadow" holds up a supermarket. His nickname stems from him being a fast and quiet mover in a manner very similar to that of The Scarlet Pimpernel.

They seek him here, they seek him there, those policemen seek him everywhere, is he in heaven or is he in hell, that dammed elusive… sh-a-a-a-a-dow.

Scissors or shears, especially pruning shears. In this case it is very much the antithesis of a spelling aid and probably reflects the interpretation of the word secateurs through a malfunctioning eardrum.

Give me those secret ears, I want to remuglify the garden

An English singer professionally known as Dusty Springfield, a name almost perfectly designed to be reformulated according the idiosyncratic laws of dadspeak.

Which English pop singer was born as Mary Isobel Catherine Bernadette O-Brien? Rusty Springboard

A natural or artificial place where water is collected and stored for use. The unusual ending vocalisation transforms what was a refined French flourish into a coarse Devonshire verbal resonance.

I have remuglified and rectumfied the septic tank reservoyer now James is here

To change somewhat the form or qualities of, to remodel. This entry has been adopted from its Grandfy based etymological conception and has been included here for lexicographical completeness.

I have to remuglify the septic tank now James is here

To put right, remedy or correct. Contrary to popular myth it is not a problem that can be fixed by careful use of the bumhole as in fact this anatomical structure is more likely to cause problems than solve them. Take for example a septic tank and a man known to his close family as James. The two have had a somewhat uneasy and literally toxic relationship.

I have rectumfied the septic tank now James is here

Any of several soft-furred, large-eared, burrowing mammals of the family leporidae. Emphasis is on the nibbling nature of these multi breeders and is often heard when remonstrating with a naughty soft-furred, large-eared, mostly non burrowing mammal of the family Dyer.

Fred!, what are you doing there you little rabbite!

A human male having an effeminate nature, a little like Phillip Schofield or Clare Balding.

I just don't believe that Elt The Pelt is a queerboy!

A British rock band with whom the lead singer and songwriter is Bryan Ferry. Akin to Pimply Red in that the name has been pimpled up for comic effect.

I like nothing better than to listen to Poxy Music, Pimply Red, Rusty Springboard, Elve The Pelve, Elt The Pelt and Kylie Monologue on my gramophone

A cold lunch consisting typically of bread, cheese and onions and usually accompanied by butter and pickles. The English language is an annoying arcane beast at times and this verbal atrocity perfectly demonstrates the deliberate phonetic mangling of dadspeak. Or to put it another way… its pronounced wrong!

I would like a Pluffmans and a Gwins please

A British soul and pop band with whom the lead singer and songwriter is Mick Hucknall. Simply; Mick is pimply.

Simply said, I like Pimply Red

Persistence in doing something despite difficulty or delay in acheiving success. No-one actually knows who Percy is, some say he is a flat capped northerner, some say he is just made up, but what is known for sure is that Percy keeps on keeping on and never gives up despite not actually existing.

Betting on horses means that you percyveer, no matter the debilitating moral degradation, the terrible crippling debt, and the agonising enfeebling addiction!

An electronic portable tablet device made by Apple. Yet another deliberate sexual distortion to refer to a flat apparatus which is generally resistant to a liquid spill.

Can someone go and get my panty pad. No not that one, I want to look up my horses.

To form as or into a whole consisting of interdependent or coordinated parts. A verbal corruption emphasizing the almost orgasmic nature the word.

Yes I am very orgasnised and I know exactly where everything is, oh you want me to read a crossword?, where are my glasses!!

The physical and emotional sensation experienced at the peak of sexual arousal, not often felt these days but juices can be temporarily stirred when observing the fine lines of Carol Kirkwood.

This asparagrass seems to be orgasmic

A horse racing venue located on the north bank of the river Teign. A place that entices poor weak minded individuals from parting with their hard earned cash (see bill hill) while drinking profusely and occasionally peeking at sprinting thoroughbreds while being straddled by Irish midgets. It is worth of note that the midgets are extra.

Dad - I have placed a Yankee, Trixie, Heinz, a Goliath and a lucky 15 at Newton About and it’s all on the same horse, I can’t lose!! Some time later…. So how did you get on? Dad – I don’t want to talk about it

A pungent powder or paste prepared from the seed of the mustard plant, used as a food seasoning or condiment. This yellow goop often frequents the roastal dinner plate on a Sunday, or in some extraordinary cases a macaroni cheese!

Can you pass the mouseturd please?

Any of several tropical American trees of the genus Swietenia, yielding hard reddish-brown wood used for making furniture. This is taken from the Phil Dyer school of English pronunciation defining a slight muddled spluttering utterance that is a departure from the English language as we know it.

I’ve been out in the sun again, I look like mogany

Any mammal of the order Primates but excluding humans (well most of them). This is taken from the Clouseau / Allo Allo school of French pronunciation defining a slight muddled spluttering annoyance that is unsettlingly hairy, a little like Jurgen Klopp.

Begone you silly minky, there is no piss for the wicked!

Any of numerous insects of the order lepidoptera. This is taken from the Clouseau / Allo Allo school of French pronunciation defining a light addled fluttering annoyance that is unsettlingly hairy, a little like Jurgen Klopp.

Begone you silly merth, there is no piss for the wicked!

A delicate, frothy mixture made with beaten egg whites and sugar and browned used as a topping for pies, pastry, e.t.c. A somewhat tricky word to spell vocalised phonetically to avoid crossword embarrassment.

Yes I would love a lemon meringway pie

Of or relating to the mind. A deliberate softening of the T to sound like a colourless, crystalline, slightly water-soluble alcohol obtained from peppermint oil.

I just can’t belive that it has been almost 30 years since the ‘pool won the league!, that is Menthal (Dated mid 2019/2020 season)