Plural of mouse, any of numerous small old world rodents of the family Muridae. It is likely this has a direct lineage from Huckleberry Hound, a series of cartoons from the 1960s, in which the character Mr. Jinks exclaims. “I hate the meeces to pieces!”

I hate the meeces to pieces

See also <Jerkitov>. It is a mandatory utterance and an exceptional but trite play on words typically in answer to “who wrote The Darling Buds Of May” or when watching a pre Henman British tennis player and can be readily applied to any male with a surname of Bates.

Dad (circa 1988) - That master Bates is rubbish, he has no control and keeps whacking his balls into the royal box!

To take an extended rest especially after a normal sleep. An additional second syllable corruption to sound like a large, usually tawny-yellow cat native to Africa that has some nocturnal sleeping habits.

I had a nice long lye on this mornin’ got out at 5:15

A global discount supermarket chain. Great emphasis is placed on the first syllable and is a peculiar subset of non-innuendo based verbal derangement.

Just popping down to Lydells for a nice stick of Liquoraaaaarse!

A perennial Mediterranean leguminous shrub, the dried root of which is used in confectionery. A base distasteful and yet delightfully clever vocal re-imagining of the gross tasting sweet and yet another opportunity to flaunt some arse, linguistically speaking of course.

How about a nice stick of Liquoraaaaarse!

A musical adapted from the French poet and novelist Victor Hugo’s 1862 novel of the same name. Predictably this popular musical is pronounced ‘as is’ rather than ‘les mis’ with the complicated French linguistic nuances being replaced by a base anglo saxon spluttering.

How many did you have this Sunday? Dad – Not much, as after the first couple of pints we retired for coffee, cigars and took in a show, it was Les Miserables

Any of a class of alcoholic liquors, and much like Ms Monologue is usually strong, sweet and highly flavoured, often encased in a chocolate shell. Like the aforementioned Leemurr the first vowel is elongated.

How many did you have this Sunday? Dad – Not much, as after the first couple of pints we retired for coffee, cigars and a Leeqeur and settled down to reading the paper, playing checkers and engaging in some ribald political debate.

Any of various small, arboreal, chiefly nocturnal mammals, and much like Ms Monologue usually has large eyes, a foxlike face, and woolly fur. The vowels of these typically ring tailed critters are deliberately elongated to add for comedic emphasis.

Aye aye! that looks to be an animal of the Lemurr family

An Australian singer, songwriter and actress. A.k.a Kylie Minogue. This youngish Australian midget often frequents the tired recesses of old Ottregians minds. Ironically, Ms Minogue is not prone to monologues but instead expresses herself by a lamentable insipid pop warbling.

I should be so lucky! I’m spinning around and can’t get Kylie Monologue out of my head but better the devil you know, especially for you.

A common bean, Phaseolus vulgaris, cultivated in many varieties for its edible seeds and pods. A deliberate mispronouncing for comedic effect.

I’m going to add some kiddly beans to the iffits!

A Serbian professional tennis player a.k.a Novak Djokovic. A player known for his spunky attitude, his ejaculatory celebrations, his explosive double hander, his firm grip and his ball control. No link between to the obvious “jerk it off” reference and Mr Djokovic’s general profile description has ever been found.

Novak Djokovic spanks another forehand down the middle! Dad – Oh I see Jerkitov is playing again!

French explorer, conservationist, filmmaker, scientist, researcher who studied the sea and all forms of life in the water. a.k.a Jacques Cousteau. This is defrenchified into basic anglo saxon effectively turning a sexy French name into a fearless young English pirate who has a thick skin but suffers frequently from a gurgling stomach.

A pioneering marine conservationist who co-developed the aqua-lung and was a member of the academie francaise? Dad – Jack Custard

This response can only be made after the word “In” followed by a pregnant pause. The inception of this obscure but often quoted phrase derives from a very specific comedic moment from the greatest of all quiz shows; (that features darts); Jim Bowen; and a bendy Bully. A young dartist contestant was being questioned somewhat expertly by the dapper and forever aged Jim Bowen about his weight loss. Jim - “So how much have you lost?” Dartist – “32 pounds” Jim – “In?” <pregnant pause> Dartist – “weight” Jim glowers typically hangdog, thus eliciting a riotous explosion of laughter!

See above

A vast computer network linking smaller computer networks worldwide. A generally accepted common slang for the “internet” and demonstrates the exceptional ability to bastardise even the most modern of terms.

Dad - They have porn on the interwebs now?

Characterised by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy. Normally uttered during bouts of light to moderate inebriation and reaffirms to everyone present the contentedness of the said individual.

So dad, you have your slippers, reruns of Last Of The Summer Wine, the racing paper and a pint of warm milk at your side Dad – I’m happy

Food remaining uneaten at the end of a meal, especially when saved for later use. After prolonged bouts of food gorging it is inevitable that the fridge starts to fill with uneaten leftovers. An old wise man once said (constantly says) that they “don’t like waste” leading to the creation of catch all meals such as a curry or bubble and squeak that can seamlessly incorporate these leftover food items.

What are we going to have for tea tonight dad? Ifits!!!!!

An appellation or name applied to any person. Not often heard these days but is an affectionate label applied to any perceivable person, often with the aitch being dropped for extra cockney effect.

Arwight ‘arold!, just castin’ me mince pies on the old dog and bone!

An inn / tavern located in Ottery St Mary. The Hare and Hounds may sound innocent enough but combine it with a hearing impairment and the vocal interpretation of an addled mind it morphs into a barely disguised sexual innuendo.

Have you been in the hairy mound lately!, ahahahahaaaahahahaaa!

A dark Irish dry stout that originated in the brewery of Arthur Guinness. For a non-native English speaker, or even worse, an Ottregian this alternative is a clever and nuanced vocal affectation.

Two pints of Gwins and a pluffmans please

An American actress, dancer, and singer, a.k.a Ginger Rogers. The first word is typically given a hard G and emphasises Ms Rogers ginger hair. The second word is a rearrangement of Rogers and is likely to refer to an old nature loving childhood friend.

Dad – that Ginger Rogress is just amazing!, dancing backwards and in high heels is so damn difficult!

A cake, especially a very light sponge cake with a rich icing of filling. A pronunciation aid to crossword solving that reflects the unusual French spelling of more than one treat filled cake.

Dad – I cannot possibly read this crossword now as my fingers are covered in chocolate gatox No more excuses, get on with it!!, oh and by the way that is not chocolate gateau!!, James where are you?

To utter curses; swear profanely. A somewhat delightful example of obscenity elimination. It cannot however be stressed enough that this is somewhat of an anomaly and is the antithesis of the usual “swearing up” of common parlance.

Dad – forking hell!, where have my glasses got to? I cannot possibly read this crossword now No more excuses, get on with it!!

Designating or pertaining to a style of sloping printing type to designate emphasis. Emphasis is always placed on the first syllable and indeed it is common parlance to apply this technique to similar I starting words.

Dad - I cannot possibly read this crossword as all the clues are in eyetalics No more excuses, get on with it!!

English journalist and television presenter who presented the BBC television series That’s Life!. This charming nickname emphasizes the resemblance of the surname Rantzen to the derriere of a certain long tailed rodent. It is also just an excuse to utter the word arse in a Devonshire flourish.

Who is that youthful looking singing genius? It’s Esther RatsArse